For decades, we have prided ourselves on offering customers our product for among the lowest prices in the industry. Those days are over. We won’t be taken advantage of any longer. Prices are going up, effective tomorrow.
Our employees have long enjoyed fair wages, a pleasant work environment, and very generous benefits. However, now that their jobs are at risk of being replaced by AI, we hold all the cards. Wages are going down, effective immediately. Oh, and from now on, no more free coffee in the break room, either.
Additionally, I’d like to talk about Evelyn. She gets in at 7am every morning, unlocks the door to the lobby, and distributes newspapers to the other tenants. That ends now. If Evelyn continues to help the other tenants, she’s fired. She needs to focus on our profitability only.
On that note, if I catch you holding the door for anyone, you are also fired. They can open their own damn door.
Don’t worry, though. We are not just cutting your wages. Our new quest for efficiency means that we are going to squeeze our suppliers as well. No more free ride making money off us! We have been a laughingstock, supplying them reliable orders for as long as I can remember.
On that note, we heard this morning that the company that supplies us with those thingamajiggers that securely seal our packaging are cancelling their contract. Well, screw ‘em. Jimmy, go stock up on some scotch tape, that should do it. Alex, maybe we should add a warning to the box to make sure people don’t shake it or hold it upside down. It is explosive, after all.
Also, for some reason, our stock is down. It should be up! In the old days, when you announced great news like this, your stock went up! Anyway, I’ve instructed our treasury department to use all the spare cash to prop up the stock price; temporarily, of course.
Now some of you might have noticed the new 8 foot tall gold statue of me in the lobby. It’s beautiful, thank you for recognizing my excellence. Let’s make sure it remains polished, and I’d like the chairs removed from the area. People should be standing in its presence, not sitting down.
Did I miss anything?
Let’s go out there and show the world who’s boss!
