Show off your scars
Highlighting failures as a key component of your succession plan
Of all of the lessons we can give to our children, perhaps the most important is to make sure to tell them stories of our failures.
In my work with multigenerational families, a recurring theme has been children who feel like they will never match the success of their parents. Afraid of diminishing the legacy handed to them, some choose not to try at all.
Because if you don’t try, you can’t fail.
Self-sabotage offers another escape: a convenient way of giving yourself an excuse for a self-fulfilling expectation of failure.
An interesting phenomenon with beginner climbers is that they absolutely want to put their foot on a hold in such a way and at such an angle that it is bound to slide off. It is as if it is so self-evident that they are in a dangerous position that they are going to prove it to the world.
David Whyte, The Three Marriages
Entrepreneurial parents often want to emphasize the positive aspects of hard work to their children, and they should. But try not to leave the impression that success came easy. Every journey entails countless periods of extreme trial, if not outright failures. It’s a shame not to share those stories with the next generation. Because they need to know that the roadblocks and crashes are an integral part of the journey. To prepare themselves for the challenges and disappointments they will face.
The failures get us down, and they should. But they can also harden us and focus us. If a child with a successful parent feels that they will forever be in their shadow, their disappointments can be used as evidence that they aren’t up to the task, and an excuse not to persevere.
In their minds, they are competing against a myth, and there is no way to win that comparison.
That’s a tragedy.
I’ve been thinking about this as I prepare to send my first child off to university. I’ve made sure to tell her how I bombed my first midterm and messed up my internship interviews. I want to make sure that she knows that she will stumble, and when she does, the only thing she has to do is get back up and keep going.
Let your kids know about the time you almost didn’t make payroll, or messed up a job for your biggest customer. Don’t be afraid to tell them how many times you came close to losing everything.
We often tell these stories as examples of our own triumph. Look how bad things were, but I made it through! But remember how hopeless it may have felt at the time. Take yourself back there, full of fear and self-doubt. That’s the message to communicate.
It’s not a revelation to say that success is seeded by the failures that came before it. We all know this. But maybe the stories we tell about our journey should actually highlight all of the dumbest things we did, and all of the times we simply weren’t good enough, and didn’t think we would make it.
Everyone will fail. Some of us monumentally so. It’s not enough to be smart or talented. The ones that succeed are the ones who persevere.
What if the failures weren’t just a diversion along the way to success? What if the failures hold all the secrets? What if those lessons are some of the most important things we can pass on?
